As I sat down for the millionth time to write my first blog post, I began to feel my chest caving in from the unimaginable yet invisible weight of my anxiety. My anxiety disorder began to act up—again. As I found myself about to close my computer and remiss back into a fetal position and begin my breathing exercises, I decided to act out of character and just go for what I considered my: Shitty First Blog. It was all I could muster at the moment, but I knew that after a lengthy year of fantasizing myself writing my first blog, there was no perfect or ideal way to start it.
I titled it “What I’m All About” with aspirations that I would be able to, for the least part, write about what I knew best about myself. I was able to write that I myself am a young mother and wife, but most importantly I was able to publicly admit that I have an Anxiety Disorder. Those five words were the hardest for my trembling fingers to type, and for my eyes to read, but there was no turning back. For the first time in my life I acknowledged my anxiety disorder and decided to come out and let more than just my husband know about it. Now my anxiety is published in a small part of the Internet where I secretly hope that maybe no one I know will read.
At this moment, my mind flusters with imaginary thoughts of the people that read this blog post for the first time…“This poor Girl can’t even write”… “This is so embarrassing for her”… “Her blog is pointless.” “I feel sorry for her”…
My mind could be a bit excessively dramatic at times.
One thing that I won’t let my anxiety do anymore is stop me from getting better, and I’m writing this blog to be a better friend, a better wife, but most importantly a better mom to my sweet boy Leo.
I refuse to let my son grow up seeing his mom being scared of the world.
How can I teach Leo to be a better version of myself? How can I teach Leo to not be scared of making friends? How can I teach Leo to not be scared of trying new things?
How can I when all my life I haven’t been able to teach myself these things?
I know that in order to teach him these things, I have to be able to demonstrate them myself. That should be easy…said no one ever with anxiety!
First off, I have to admit to you many truths about myself:
Driving scares me.
Writing scares me.
People scare me.
Family scares me.
Talking to anyone other than my husband and mom scares me.
Okay I think you get the point. I’m practically scared of the world. Most of my anxiety is Social, yet hear I am trying to overcome these fears.
Okay so now the Plan…………. Make a plan.
Can anyone help me?….
On a more serious note, I will begin by pushing myself to do things out of my comfort zone. Which is doing anything other than letting my anxiety take over my life; I want to be more comfortable stepping out of the house, trying to hang out with friends and planning play dates for my son.
Secondly, because study shows that certain foods cause or worsen anxiety, I will start out by limiting my sugar intake. Basically I’m addicted to sugar and I hate to admit that I probably go days without drinking a full glass of water. As a result, I have decided that I will drink water instead of juice and Soda. I asked my Husband to get rid of all the juices and soda already.
Lastly, I will research ways to control my anxiety. I’m hoping to receive advice from you guys with more ideas of what to do or to tell me what works best for all of the mamas with anxiety.
Wish me luck!