(Shitty First Blog)—by an anxious mama

 

As I sat down for the millionth time to write my first blog post, I began to feel my chest caving in from the unimaginable yet invisible weight of my anxiety. My anxiety disorder began to act up—again. As I found myself about to close my computer and remiss back into a fetal position and begin my breathing exercises, I decided to act out of character and just go for what I considered my: Shitty First Blog. It was all I could muster at the moment, but I knew that after a lengthy year of fantasizing myself writing my first blog, there was no perfect or ideal way to start it.

I titled it “What I’m All About” with aspirations that I would be able to, for the least part, write about what I knew best about myself. I was able to write that I myself am a young mother and wife, but most importantly I was able to publicly admit that I have an Anxiety Disorder. Those five words were the hardest for my trembling fingers to type, and for my eyes to read, but there was no turning back. For the first time in my life I acknowledged my anxiety disorder and decided to come out and let more than just my husband know about it. Now my anxiety is published in a small part of the Internet where I secretly hope that maybe no one I know will read.

At this moment, my mind flusters with imaginary thoughts of the people that read this blog post for the first time…“This poor Girl can’t even write”… “This is so embarrassing for her”… “Her blog is pointless.” “I feel sorry for her”…

My mind could be a bit excessively dramatic at times.

One thing that I won’t let my anxiety do anymore is stop me from getting better, and I’m writing this blog to be a better friend, a better wife, but most importantly a better mom to my sweet boy Leo.

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I refuse to let my son grow up seeing his mom being scared of the world.

 

How can I teach Leo to be a better version of myself? How can I teach Leo to not be scared of making friends? How can I teach Leo to not be scared of trying new things?

How can I when all my life I haven’t been able to teach myself these things?

I know that in order to teach him these things, I have to be able to demonstrate them myself. That should be easy…said no one ever with anxiety!

 

First off, I have to admit to you many truths about myself:

Driving scares me.

Writing scares me.

People scare me.

Family scares me.

Talking to anyone other than my husband and mom scares me.

Okay I think you get the point. I’m practically scared of the world. Most of my anxiety is Social, yet hear I am trying to overcome these fears.

Okay so now the Plan…………. Make a plan.

Can anyone help me?….

On a more serious note, I will begin by pushing myself to do things out of my comfort zone. Which is doing anything other than letting my anxiety take over my life; I want to be more comfortable stepping out of the house, trying to hang out with friends and planning play dates for my son.

Secondly, because study shows that certain foods cause or worsen anxiety, I will start out by limiting my sugar intake. Basically I’m addicted to sugar and I hate to admit that I probably go days without drinking a full glass of water. As a result, I have decided that I will drink water instead of juice and Soda. I asked my Husband to get rid of all the juices and soda already.

Lastly, I will research ways to control my anxiety. I’m hoping to receive advice from you guys with more ideas of what to do or to tell me what works best for all of the mamas with anxiety.

Wish me luck!

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9 thoughts on “(Shitty First Blog)—by an anxious mama

  1. Hi there 💙 first of its lovely to meet you, my name is Jessica-Lauren. I too have anxiety especially when it comes to what people( mainly family) think of me. It’s not easy and my form of anxiety tends to come out through mental fatigue and constantly going over things over and over again in my head. I too, try to express my feelings to only my husband but one thing I know for sure is that you should not have to justify your anxiety to anyone. The biggest and most refreshing step that you have done was to admit it and write it down to the world to see; the world as in just being public about it, not making excuses or outlying yourself or having to justify it to close family and friends. You have already done something wonderful by just saying ‘this is what I have and now this is what I want to do about it’

    Drinking water is a great step! It’s to me, the easiest form of medicine. Try to take two glassses or water first thing in the morning half about before eating anything. Literally like a medicine. It regulates the body and helps with clearing the system so well… it’s my go to remedy. And it’s great that you are trying to make dietary choices to avoid aggravating your anxiety. Just know you’re not alone. Many people just don’t talk about it. Own it in a way and let is be something positive even though it’s so hard to see; for one thing it acts like a seat belt, like an intuition to keep you grounded, it helps to make you know what to avoid and who to avoid mentally. And when you are around people that may make the anxiety act up, imagine a bubble surrounding you and still be present. It really helps me💙 I hope I helped and thank you for sharing, as a mama to be I truly appreciate you as a mama💙

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nice to meet you Jessica-Lauren. Thank you for your response! I’m glad that there are people like you who I could connect to and relate with. Your words made me feel a lot more comfortable with this blogging experience. I also feel that anxiety where my head keeps repeating things over and over again along with fatigue.
      In these few days that I’ve been drinking more water I have felt a little more awake and aware if that makes sense, thank you for your advice.
      Love,
      V

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi V, Thank you for your candor. I have struggled with anxiety myself and it is a management game as you know. Some really amazing things for me have been meditation, an wonderful therapist who I really connect with, and just accepting the anxiety rather than trying to push it away. Really getting in tune with why its there, looking the anxiety strait in the face. Writing and sharing is such a relief as well – you are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, I have been trying to find a therapist but it’s hard for me to find one who makes me feel comfortable. I have an amazing psychologist so far that really listens to me and it has been helping a lot.

      I really want to start trying meditation. I need to start a yoga routine I have heard it helps a lot.
      Thank you for all your advice!
      Love, V

      Like

      1. I saw so many therapists before I found the right one… now, she’s been in my life for 1.5 years and so much in my life has changed because of her. It is so hard to find the right one! It’s worth it to keep shopping around in my experience.

        As for meditation, I started listening to guided ones on YouTube and those were helpful…but my practice really took off when I found a meditation center. It costs nothing for me to go meditate, which is the amazing thing. People give what they can but there is no requirement. The hard thing is the child care…but it’s worth it to me.

        Like

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