My Love, My Remedy

Growing up I didn’t feel like I could relate to anyone or anything. I was afraid to get close to someone or to show my real thoughts, my real emotions, the real me. I went through life trying to not be noticed and somehow for a reason that I have never understood, one person walked into my life and changed everything. God this is so cheesy and I think the people who are closest to me know that I am a person that does not show any kind of emotion, but I’m telling you, if there is anything out there that can save you it’s LOVE.

I consider myself blessed to have found my husband. It’s been 8 years this week since we first got together. We didn’t know anything back then, for we were so young and naïve. Not knowing what life is really about, all we knew is that things—life—felt better together. I was weird, and he was awkward, I was shy and he was quiet. And everything was perfect.

He always knew that I was a little quiet, afraid of some things, insecure, and anti-social. It was all okay because for the most part, he was too.

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Everyone called us quiet but we didn’t care because we were quiet together. When we were alone, we talked about everything we thought about—life, family, fears—we talked about the world, we acted completely crazy and laughed like kids and everything was beautiful.

Of course like any other couple we fought A LOT; primarily because of my insecurities. I knew that something about me would end up pushing him away, but it never did. HE was always there no matter how many times I pushed away, or closed myself off. As much as I told him I couldn’t meet his family because I wasn’t good enough. As much I told him that I was too messed up for him, he never gave up. He would do anything and everything to somehow make me smile, and he showed me what it was like to be loved unconditionally, without regret, remorse or anything to hold back—just pure, unique love.

 

San Francisco

 

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When we moved to San Francisco, our love was tested completely. We ended up both moving up there for art school. He was studying architecture and I was studying creative writing.

Our lives completely changed in a total unexpected way. School took up most of our time. He was in the SF campus while I commuted every morning to Oakland. All I can say is that life was beautiful in SF, but my mind, and the anxiety that I felt, was very dark.

It caused me to completely shut down, my body was hurting, my health was weak, and my mind was sick…. I remember all the time going into the bathroom and curling up into a fetal position, attempting to hold my tears back in between classes, and not being able to produce a single writing assignment for my classes. The critiques were killing me; my whole body would shake uncontrollably and I would throw up from how nervous and scared I was. I’d spend 50 minutes in my head trying not to freak out in front of other students, contemplating whether everyone was profusely staring at me or if it was all in my mind. I’d count each minute waiting for what seemed to be never ending classes to come to an end. During critiques my voice would literally tremble and my heart would race at 100 beats per minute. It’s as if my mind and my body weren’t connected and I couldn’t even read out loud without my voice cracking or my mind turning blanks. I began to miss school, and he began to get angry. He saw it as spending thousands of dollars for school, and me missing—to him—was me not getting my money’s worth. From a literal perspective, that’s exactly what it was, but to me, it was my debilitating and somehow paralyzing anxiety that would set me back, rendering me useless. I shut down completely and wouldn’t tell him about my anxiety attacks, about missing school, about needing help. I found myself riding on Bart for hours; I was afraid to get off on the stop to go to school or to go home as I imagined him leaving me for the crazy person my mind made me up to be. It wasn’t until things got so bad between us that I just broke down in front of him. And all he did was hold me and told me everything was going to be okay, and just with those words, I felt as if he had lifted some of the heavy weight that merely collapsed my lungs and I was able to breath a little better. He had no idea what was happening, just that I needed help, and that’s exactly what he gave me.

 

But he offered me more than help; from then on he has been my biggest support, my best remedy, my best therapist, my best friend, and the best husband. He was what held me through all my breakdowns. He takes over when my mind can’t handle life and guides me through my treacherous anxiety filled experiences. He helps me in housework, in getting Leo ready and keeping him distracted; he helps me by doing everything I love so that my mind can feel a little safer. And everything he does works for me.

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Anyone who knows my husband knows that he might be a little angrier than most people, a little more stubborn and sarcastic. But if they knew him like I do they would see that his heart, much like his mind is beautiful. He has been patient, kind loving and what has helped me the most with my anxiety…and honestly I couldn’t ask for anything more than that.

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One thought on “My Love, My Remedy

  1. I love your post…!!! It’s also been 8 years for my husband and I. Well married 2. I still can’t figure out how he puts up with me. 🙂 how did you tell him about your anxiety?

    Liked by 1 person

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