Faking it

hummingbirdIt’s been a while since I have posted as my anxiety, work, and life kept me from writing. I have also been healing, learning, drinking a lot of coffee, and focusing on Leo. I’ve tried to sit and write a blog post many times, yet couldn’t get myself to write anything down. A lot has happened and changed in my life since I started blogging.

I was brought into an Instagram world I never knew existed when I unexpectedly got new followers on Instagram.

(2,000 might not be a lot in the real insta-world, but for someone that could count the number of people she talks to in one hand, this was a little overwhelming.)

I began to feel afraid and pressure to somehow do better. To post better pictures, be more interesting, talk to other talented and creative women. I began to feel inspired, but also intimidated to the point that I couldn’t write about my anxiety.

 

I had to stop myself from feeling this way about something I really enjoy doing, as these projects I make for Instagram are a creative escape for me. There are so many feelings that come with anxiety, and cause me to feel stuck in writing, creativity, doing laundry, and pretty much a lot of other things; and I still haven’t figured out how to stop myself from feeling this way until my anxiety gets bad.

This makes me feel so guilty at times, and the last thing I want is for Leo to see his mom on pause in a world that is always running.

So I Fake it.

I fake it like the strong woman I am.

I fake that I have this whole mom thing figured out.

I fake that I know how to act like an adult.

I fake that somehow my life is nothing but beautiful.

Don’t we all fake it??

I think that it’s so important to remember that life isn’t as perfect as these squares on Instagram, and many of us are just faking it.

Which is something I keep telling myself; whenever I begin to feel bad because I want what someone else has.

To be honest my Instagram isn’t a reflection of my life; It’s my perfect dream where everything is magic, butterflies are always present and we could jump to a different world through a window.

I show you the magic I see in between my messy life as I make our pretend playtime come to life in a picture, so that Leo could remember the places we went to through creativity, maybe a little bit of magic (photoshop) and imagination. It’s so important to me, for Leo to know how beautiful art, life, and his mind could be; more importantly the everyday magic that God has let us see in life.

I’m honestly thankful for all my new followers, and friends. Especially the beautiful, inspiring mamas I get to chat with everyday. I’m happy to say that I am feeling better after having many long hikes with a good soundtrack, lots of cuddles and family jam sessions; and hope to be back to blogging more often.

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One thought on “Faking it

  1. EveryThing you just said resonates in me! I too try to make the world much more beautiful through pictures, and sometimes I lose myself because I feel like people think my life is perfect…. it is farrrrr from it and I suffer depression and I feel lost literally every day. But somehow everyone says to me, “ you look like you have everything under control” well nope, I don’t. And that’s okay. I love how you said that you post to make your world better and see through a window that is bright and beautiful. As a mother, that’s a sacrifice you make everyday for your son. It makes his world brighter. Trust me, you’re not alone, and I love that you expressed this so beautifully and so many people can relate or at least see that life is about creating the possibilities. Fake it till you make it!💙

    Like

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